i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
