I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
