Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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