If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize