sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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