1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
