If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
where are you?
Hypothermia
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
