Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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