Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
