the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
