My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
