dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
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