Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Randomize
