I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
did i walk over a car last night?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
