tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
