Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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