I will die if light touches me.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
