My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
