Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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