I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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