I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
