I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
