I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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