Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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