i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
