how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
