i wish my penis had a tongue
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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