pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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