My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
