Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
