My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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