I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
