I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
