the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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