they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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