sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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