this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
