Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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