I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
