He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
