WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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