A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
