best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
