Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE