no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
40s are totally the cure
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
