Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
