you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
