Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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