I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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