Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
smell my finger.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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