I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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