I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
