I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
