My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
