I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize