i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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