My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
