What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
