omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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