i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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