Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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