Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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